I'm moving

I'm moving to a new place online. If you're interested in following me leave me a comment and I'll send you my new blog URL.

I feel scared...scared of something I can't seem to find the words to pinpoint it.  I feel scared of the unknown. 

I feel alone, not in the way I used to whine about in the past I think.  I know I'm not alone.  I know there are people out there who care about me and my well-being.  My aloneness is something else, a lost feeling even though I'm not lost.  I suspect it has something to do with self-agency and trying to really understand that this is now what my life is...that I direct the pinball game that I'm moving through.

I should have written this last night when I was in a better place.  So I stopped spending any money.  The last thing I purchased was some half and half for my coffee a few days ago and well...Joe's Coffee tastes better black or with Hazelnut creamer now I know.  Half & Half isn't all that.  My fridge is pretty empty right now.  I've eaten almost everything in it except for some papri and a few walnuts.  Everything else is a condiment or atta.  I should go buy groceries now which is what people would do, right?  But I'm not.  I'm not rushing to transfer my money in Paypal to my bank account so I have some funds because doing things like this keeps things in the same place they have been for a few years.  If I did that yesterday then my fridge wouldn't be as empty as it is now which I see as a good thing.  Yesterday I ate the rest of the dried apricots that have been sitting in a container in my fridge for a long time.  Yesterday I used up all the old pancake mix a friend left at my apartment.  Yesterday I ate some of that terrible Hot Pocket that I've been avoiding in my freezer.  (I knew there was a reason I wasn't eating it all these months.)  Yesterday I made rice.  Last night I put dal in the water to soak and will cook it today.  Tomorrow I'll attack my filled to the max freezer to see what I can eat and what needs to be tossed out.  None of these things would have happened if I just continued buying groceries or getting my Basis delivery.  I would just continue to ignore these things had I not been in this position where I'm hungry and poking around in the fridge or the cabinets to see what I can eat.  It isn't like I'm super excited to go through all the stuff in my freezer or eat that huge container of almonds I have, but I think in order to bring in new stuff into our lives we have to go through and clean out the old and doing this does that and it saves me money.  Yesterday I contacted my psychiatrist and asked her if she would be willing to allow me to pay her in installments and she agreed and we're finalizing an appointment date.  Yesterday I hung up all the clothes that were on my sofa.  Yesterday I cleared all the tax paperwork off my kitchen counter so I could cook.  This week I paid my therapist most of the money I owed her.  This week I took my medicine every day.  This week I coached someone for my class recordings.  This week I took the garbage and recycling out.  This week I ran the dishwasher many times.  This week I started looking for a second job.  This week I went through and threw out so many unnecessary receipts I had from 2011.  That's some of the stuff I did this week.

I had a dream last night that stayed in my skin all of today.  It showcased the absence of a presence in my life.  It made me focus on the past.  It made me hurt a little and it made me see the large lesson here for me to learn.  

I decided to take advantage of my insomnia tonight by completing some of the follow-up work I had pending from my last coaching session.  In reviewing the notes I had taken during our time together and the action steps we had come up with I am surprised to see how much work we did.  Amidst many of my classmates and I discovering the nuances and challenges of introducing this type of coaching to people who are not coaches this session reminded me that for some people while coaching may be a new thing creating Outcomes and Goals and driving positive action forward towards achieving their dreams is second nature to them.  That made this experience a breath of fresh air, refreshing due to the energy, enthusiasm, ambition and understanding of the client that this huge dream is absolutely attainable even though in this moment it may seem far off in the future.  That type of certainty is so beautiful and exactly what helps us align ourselves with whatever force is out there supporting us through this process we call life.  I wish this certainty for those in my life I care about and for myself.

I have nothing left to give to anyone in my life save my mom and dad.

I have hit my bottom.

I make no apologies either because when you hit your bottom there is a good chance I was probably there somewhere in your life trying to help.

At some point for people friendship ought to be a priority too.  And yet it continues not to be.

I have little interest any more to try.

Maya Angelou says when people show you who they are believe them.  I say it matters less and less to me what people say and more and more what they do.

Even when you care about people and they care about you it doesn't mean you have to put up with their treatment of you if it makes you unhappy.

I owe no one anymore any explanations.  I'm tired of talking.

People say they are busy, but of course busy means they are busy enough to not want to reach out to you.  They aren't that busy that they can't sit on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr multiple times a day.  Friendship becomes about a flat screen and keyboard.  Calling is an ancient relic.  Texting is supposed to suffice.  What a joke.  People know how I feel about this and yet do only what suits them best.

Everyone shows up when they need something, 30 minutes here or 60 minutes there for me to hear them out about what they are upset about.  Where is 10 minutes for me once a month?

I give up on everyone today.  Nothing dramatic.  I'm done.  Love is not shown through some words on a screen someone says.  Love is shown through action.

I have little or really no interest anymore in other people's opinions.  They think they know what is best for me.  I hold my tongue despite their maltreatment of me.  I keep it shut when they blow up their pain all over me, pain that has nothing to do with me, not one iota of it.  I take it because I know in that moment that person needs a place to feel powerful and lash out.  And not one of these women and men, not one has ever apologized.  And yet these are the people I have always apologized around, made myself small around.  Why?  They can't even take responsibility for how they allow their personal issues to damage our friendship, personal issues that have nothing to do with me.

I could say I was disappointed, but I'm not.  I could say that I'm hurt, but I'm not.  I feel neither emotion. Mostly I just feel sorry for you that you cannot see through your own stuff enough to realize how you treat me.  And I feel angry, angry that you allow your personal problems to damage our friendship and you either don't see it or take no responsibility for it.  That isn't friendship.

I'm done overextending myself, giving freely of my time, effort and energy.  You try it for once.  You wouldn't be able to do it.  None of you.

Everything changes from here on out.  I make no apologies.  Because I owe you none.